Out of the mouth of ....a toddler

Oh the mind of a child.  So thorough and completely un-forgetful.

In October, we were thinking of names for our Baby.  In November, we were left wondering if this child would be ours.  And in December, IV has not forgotten October and November.

At the beginning of December, he would ask if we were going to have our Baby by Christmas.  At the time, we were sure we were not going to but obviously the Lord can do anything in His timing. 

We were at dinner with some friends and I was holding their baby.  I handed the baby back to his mommy and IV leaned over to me and said "I wish we had a baby."

 HOLD IT TOGETHER...WE ARE IN A PIZZERIA.

------  HOLD  ---  IT  -----  TOGETHER...... I repeated over and over and over in my head.

Then we were loading the car with gifts for a family in need.  IV said "Are these gifts for our baby?"

This time, we both cried in the privacy of the car. 

And although these moments have been hard, the ones in between are ok and distracted by the Christmas season...the Advent calendar...Buddy the nothing to do with Santa Elf....the parties....the wrapping of gifts....the EVERYDAY FUN MAILBOX full of Christmas cards...and so on....

Last night, he said "Mommy, we just have to be patient."  How simple and how true and how hard. 

But when it comes from the mouth of a toddler, ...its all seems like its going to be a tad bit easier.

--It doesn't hurt that he is the cutest kid in the world--

NOTE: This picture was taken outside that pizzeria the week before by Andreea Carver.

Her emails

We were at a party. We got in our car to leave and then I saw "Her" name in my Inbox.  Emails from "Her" are always either exciting or hard to read.

This particular email from "Her" was so exciting I had to jump out of the car and run back in the house to tell a friend!  This email said, "You have been chosen and a Birthmother would like to meet with you and only you!!!"

So we met. We loved her and she loved us.

Then time past...and more time past....

An email from "Her" was in my inbox again saying that the Birthmother "told her family about her pregnancy and her adoption plan" and was now "stressed and uncertain" about her decision.

Our hearts sank.  From what she told us about her family, I knew they would step in and help her raise her baby.

Then time past...and more time past...and more time...

Then another email from "Her" that said the Birthmother has decided to parent her baby.  We wish her the best.

Our disappointment set in.  It's very close to the same feeling of miscarrying a baby.  An ache.

We KNOW God has plan.  He is writing our story.  We will be patient.

Adoption is a calling....where He guides; He provides.

A little sting...

Remember when you played "duck duck goose" as a kid?  Wasn't it so thrilling when you got chosen? You got to run around and try to tag the other person without tackling them.  It was so much fun!

Being chosen.  It's a good feeling to be chosen.  A boost of confidence. A humble task.

But there are times in our lives when we are not chosen. For a job. For the Yard of the Month.  For a guest list.  For the best recipe or Mom or crafty endeavor you spent hours on.  For an answered prayer.  For a child.

This is where we are.

Our book has been looked at two times and we are not chosen.  (Deep breath)  We hope our book will be looked at 2 more times in the next few months.

Not giving up hope. or prayers. or faith.   We KNOW God is in control but its stings a little.

Lookin' season

Have you ever noticed that your friends get married at the same time?  Or engaged? or pregnant?  Somehow there are 'seasons' for these sorts of things.

As an IVF patient, our timing was based on an appointment at the dr's office.  There was no season for IVF.  Although now that our precious son has many friends, its amazing how many of them have birthdays about the same time as his.  So maybe we were right 'in season' and didn't even know it. 

But did you realize that there is an Adoption season?  Well at least at our Agency there is.  It seems that September thru March are busy in the adoption world.   I'm sure this is not the case everywhere but it might be.  

So, since our photo book,  has been available since March of this year, it has only been looked at once.   This photo book is how we are chosen for our child.  We spent months making our book to show and tell the story of our family.  

So lookin' season is upon us!  

If you have ever wondered about the Birthmother, Susan's story may help you see her in a new light and give you direction as your pray for those mentioned above.

http://flsadoption.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-journey-of-birthmom-susans-story.html

We ask that you pray for the birth mothers as they made heart wrenching decisions.  

We ask that you pray for the case workers that counsel them through their decisions without bias.

We ask that you pray for us as we wait, with anticipation of God's child for our family.

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. -Col 3:2-3

The Waiting Room

I've been thinking a lot about our 'Waiting Room' this week.  I don't mean a physical waiting room but a mental and spiritual one.  We seem to be waiting a lot lately.  Before God put us in this particular waiting room, He has put us in others that seemed heavier and blanker and stale.  But this one isn't that way.  It's a more encouraging room.  One that I wouldn't mind hanging a picture or two in.  One that doesn't have an awkward silence.  One where you are free to move about and not just be still.

This one is different.

Somedays this Waiting Room is so evident in my day.  Its like I'm sitting in a 50 year old, hard back chair.  I'm squirmy, uncomfortable and anxious. I check a few times an hour just to see if we have been summoned to leave the waiting room; to be free to get up, only for a moment.  But nothing.  Those days may be quiet but they are not silent.  The Lord has been so sweet to remain vocal in our Waiting Room.  All His goodness and mercy are in this room, completely available and new each day.  And when it is so obvious that we are in that room, it's still a room that I wouldn't mind having a cup of coffee in....well, maybe in a different chair.

This one is different.

Somedays this Waiting Room is not evident in my day.  My portion and my cup overflow and I don't even notice the wait.  I know its there but its like the lingering smell of cut grass.   Evident but not visible.  There is more stillness in my day, more comfy seats to relax in, more peace of mind in my wait.  My mind is focused and nothing about the room distracts me.

The difference is...

Well, I can't put it into one word. But I do know it has more to do with 'well done' instead of 'well said'.  I could say its prayer; but I prayed in the other waiting room.  I could say its faith; but I had faith in the other waiting room.  I could say its others; but I had others in the other waiting room.  I could say it's God's Word...well, maybe I will say it's God's Word but not the knowledge of, the hearing of, the speaking of but the DOING OF.

The difference is the doing of God's Word.  The hupakouo.  To not just stop at listening but the hupakouo.  The obeying.   The deeper action than just 'I want to be like that."  The action of allowing the Holy Spirit to be.  Less (of me) is more (of Him).

What a difference the hupakouo makes.  In my life.  In my wait.   In my view from the wait.  My hupakouo matters most to the One who put me in the Waiting Room.

And when we are taken out of this Waiting Room, I hope there is evidence of my hupakouo  and that it remains.

A sign

In Dec 2008, we had a Women's Christmas program at our Church in Austin.  After we enjoyed a wonderful meal served by the Men of our Church at beautifully decorated tables, we had a program.  I don't remember the title of that program but I do remember its impact on so many.  Before our Pastor's wife spoke, we did something call "cardboard testimonies".  This was mine.

The idea was to tell about the struggle you have been through or the cards you had been dealt.  But then, the testimony came when you flipped your sign to see what God had done to restore or produce in your life. Here was mine.

I have kept my sign.  It reminds me all the time of God's faithfulness.  It reminds me of those who prayed for me during this heartache of infertility and those still experiencing it.  It reminds me that, the back of my sign could still be blank or say something different.

I need a new sign now.

One that says....
"THOUGHT WE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD ADOPTION"

and then flip it to say...
"Praise God...Our Adoption is funded. He has provided ALL that we need!"

Every dollar has been given in love.  In sacrifice.  In overwhelming love.  In God's timing and in God's abundance. 

We have had trouble wrapping our heads around God's provision and the flipping of our sign to say...He is faithful to provide where He leads.  He most certainly is.  

And now, we wait.  We wait for His child for our family.  We wait for him to create a new sign in our life.  One of great sacrifice.  Of overwhelming love.  And in His timing and His abundance.

Thank you.

The Unlikely and the Selfless

I said we would not do it again.  But the Lord had another plan.  So on April 12-13th, we had another Yard sale.  This time there was even more donations. More pricing. More time to collect. More space in our house taken over by donated items.  All no surprise to the Lord.  He wanted us to know, once again, the generosity, love and community He was going to provide.  More blessing!

Friday came and it was raining.  The idea was to start setting everything out on Friday afternoon since there was so much. Jay had to work so I was going to rely on friends and family to help set up. As soon that rain stopped, I started pulling things out of the garage.  Jay's mom arrived and helped before having to pick IV up from school for me. While the 2 of us had set up the tables and pulled about 5 boxes out, a couple pulled up.  We told them that we were just getting started but they were welcome to unpack the boxes and look.  Instead of that, they stayed for about an hour and carried boxes out our garage.  The kindness of strangers.  They did not buy anything.

Right as they were leaving, a friend and her neighbor stopped by. We told them the same thing...you can look but there is a lot more.  My friend bought a few things and both her and her neighbor left. 15 mins later, her neighbor came back and offered to help. She stayed for about 3 hours!  Spent over $200.  Wouldn't you know it....She is an adoptive parent!

About this time, my friends and family came to help and we had about 70% out already!   The kindness of strangers!  So, thankfully my friends and family came to unpack, sort, stand guard, organize and help me come up with a plan.  We had a great time just laughing, battling the wind and making a plan to cover all this during the night. After the day was done, we made over $700 on Friday!  Amazing!

Saturday morning arrived and everything was still in place from the night before.  Goodies were baked and lemonade was made.  The sun was coming to warm up the day. The coffee was being delivered.  And God was getting ready to blow our minds!  I know He was tickled as we just sat there at 7am with no customers just cheering us on..."Dont loose faith. Keep you eyes on Me.  I got ya!"

And boy did He!  The people came. They bought stuff. They ate the goodies. They gave their extra change to our 'donation' jar. Our street lined with cars once again.  And all the glory goes to Him!

My favorite quote of the day was "Are you adopting a dog or a cat?!"

One of the neatest people we met that day was a Birthmother. She saw our Adoption fundraiser sign and decided to stop and tell us her story.   Beautiful, young girl.  Responsibly looking. Well dressed for a Saturday morning.  Emotionally connected.  We all may have a picture in our heads of what a women looks like that would love her child and hand him/her over to another family to raise, love, watch and grow with.  All birthmothers look different.  Most feel deeply and love selflessly.  Most go on to fight the statistics of what's expected of them.  Most keep in contact with their child and adoptive family. But these are not the stories you read.

As the day ended and our eye began to glaze over with amazement and exhaustion, we began clean up and count the funds of the day.  God did not give me amount this time to pray for. He never really confirmed a date for me either. But we completely stepped out on faith and trusted Him.  He never fails and He is forever faithful!  Over $4000 was given that day.

A  M  A  Z  I  N  G      G  R  A  C  E

Timing....

For the past few months, we have been applying for Adoption grants.  It is amazing to me how many people, groups and Churches focus so much on adoption and orphan care.  There are a lot of organizations that offer grants and no interest adoption loans.  Here the ones we have applied for...

-Southern Baptist Convention Adoption grant for Pastors
- Lifesong Orphan-care Matching grant
- Family Outreach Ministry grant
- OneLess Ministry grant
- Show Hope ministry grant
- JSC Foundation grant

It's almost been a month since the applications were all sent in.  I've been trying to stay focused on other things and pray for God's complete provision.  Most of the wait time on grants is 10 weeks. One of the things keeping my mind off hearing from the grants is working on our next step.

The Adoption photo album for the Birthmother.  I thought making a photo album of our family would be fun, relaxing and simple.  It has been fun. It has been somewhat relaxing. But by no means has it been simple.  To view a project like this through the eyes of a young women picking a family to parent  her unborn baby is complicated.  The Liberty Godparent Home and our agency, Family Life Services do an incredible job loving these girls, counseling them and showing grace in every step of the way. We are so grateful for their ministry!

We started with introducing Jay and I only.  When you are a parents of a 3.5 yr old, it is hard to define yourself apart from your child. It is stark reminder that the Lord really does call us to focus on our mate and children come second.  Then the task of finding pictures of all the things that make your family who you are.  I take pictures everyday. Literally. But when I sat down to make this album, it seemed like I needed to start all over taking picture of certain things. But it has all come together nicely.

As we continue to focus on God's provision for our Adoption, I'm reminded that His callings are not always immediate.  They take time. They take refinement.  Obedience.  Long suffering. And trust.  Even when we receive notice of an available child, we have to wait for the Lord's hand.  Be refined. Be obedient. Be patient and trust! Even when its hard!

___________________________

We set a date for our next fundraising Yard sale but we never felt a peace about it.  Today we found out why.  After a back and forth discussion about the date, I joyfully submitted to Jay's leadership and decision to change the date.  I knew he was right.

Without even thinking about this decision, I decided to do some follow up calls on our grant applications today just to see a timeline on the decision making.  I found out that the matching grant we are applying for requires approval for the grant and THEN acceptance of money that can be matched. This means that if we had the yard sale before the approval, the funds would not have been matched!   The approval (or denial) will come in mid April.  So praise God that we were listening to the Lord's timing on everything!

So tentative date is now April 13th and we will continue to accept donated items for the Yard sale.  Our other fundraisers will be a CAbi party on May 11th in Roanoke and our continuation of the Amazon link.  If you'd like to make a donation, we ask that you wait til we find out about the matching fund...that way, your donation can be doubled and you will recieve a tax deduction statement!

Thank you again for ALL you support.  Each one of you are a part of our Adoption story!

Depending on...

Today I must admit, I've been thinking about our Baby a lot. Will it be a boy or a girl?  What will he/she look like?  How old will he/she be when we first see him/her?  How will John Daniel react?  Will I feel like I 'missed" something since there were no pregnancy or labor?

So many thoughts....yet....we wait.  This week Beth Moore tweeted this picture/verse....

This is what I cling to when my thoughts are heavy and the hole where this child belongs feels large.  "Settle down in complete dependence on me"...wow, what does that even look like?  The vast concept of COMPLETE DEPENDENCE can only remind me of a infant's complete dependence on his parents.  Oh the full circle of thought....

The other part that stings is 'stop your silly efforts...'  Although this verse is talking about our salvation and how we can only receive it from Him, I can't help but think about how much He might be looking down and be thinking that the same of me with my eagerness to be a family of 5 (Zeke included).  Some days I KNOW He leads me to work for our adoption process and others He stops me in my tracks and says....your silly efforts....!

As I reflect on the heart of this post, I mainly see and hope for our COMPLETE DEPENDENCE on HIM for ALL THINGS....salvation, joy, peace and a family of 5!