Around and Around We Go

I have had more than enough time to update about our adoption.  I have stopped and started and stopped and started more times than I'd like to admit.

Our year has flown by in so many other ways.  But when I think back to where we were in the process last year, I think it hasn't changed much.

No reports = No progress.

Recently in my devotionals and the teaching at IF:Roanoke, I have realized that I relate so much to Joshua and the 7 priests that walked around the wall of Jericho over and over and over again and waiting for it to fall.

How many times have I heard that story and never realize the FAITH it took to keep circling the wall?  Could you imagine walking around and around and blowing their trumpets and not ONE SIGN of hope. Not one brick fell.  Not one gust of wind moved the dirt.

Did Joshua doubt?  Did he question if he heard God correctly?

I'd be lying to say we have not doubted. In September, we gave God a timeline.  That didn't last long before he convicted (and laughed at) us.

In our adoption journey, I wonder which lap we are on.  Could we possibly be rounding the 7th lap when the wall will fall down and the calling to walk and wait will be over and make sense?  Or are we still back at the 2nd or 3rd lap with a continued journey ahead?

God told them to keep walking and blowing their trumpets in obedience.   May we continue to walk in obedience.  And not demand an explanation from God.

So what's happened this year:
-In December, we were called about a baby that was born the day before.  Birthmother called Adoption agency from the hospital but days later the she decided to parent.
- In November, we felt led for the first time to not be presented to a birthmother.
- Other than that, nothing else to report. Our Family Profile was presented about 12 times during the year but we were not chosen.

Missing words

Sometimes the biggest problem in our waiting process is the missing words.

"How is your adoption going?"  or "Where are you in your process?"  or "Any news?"

These seem like very black and white questions that should have black and white answers.  But sometimes there are missing words.  Even empty answers.

And the funny thing is, I love it when someone asks me..if its done respectfully.  I'd miss it if people didn't ask.  Almost like if everyone ignored that you were pregnant or no one noticed.

Unlike a pregnancy, there are no fetal updates or doctors appointments.   There are no sonograms or due dates.  No pregnancy pictures to post on Facebook and no baby showers.

Instead there is waiting.  With no answers.  With no due dates or timelines.  With no answers to when and how.

And if anything, there is more confusion about how do you get your baby?  or why does SHE get to decided who gets her baby?  Or why haven't y'all been picked?  Or there are so many other ways you could have a baby quicker.

May we be become content in our wait.  May the words we speak to answer the appropriate and inappropriate questions demonstrate our hearts as we wait. Sometimes they are tender.  Sometimes they are hopeful.  And sometimes they are completely missing words.

Out of the mouth of ....a toddler

Oh the mind of a child.  So thorough and completely un-forgetful.

In October, we were thinking of names for our Baby.  In November, we were left wondering if this child would be ours.  And in December, IV has not forgotten October and November.

At the beginning of December, he would ask if we were going to have our Baby by Christmas.  At the time, we were sure we were not going to but obviously the Lord can do anything in His timing. 

We were at dinner with some friends and I was holding their baby.  I handed the baby back to his mommy and IV leaned over to me and said "I wish we had a baby."

 HOLD IT TOGETHER...WE ARE IN A PIZZERIA.

------  HOLD  ---  IT  -----  TOGETHER...... I repeated over and over and over in my head.

Then we were loading the car with gifts for a family in need.  IV said "Are these gifts for our baby?"

This time, we both cried in the privacy of the car. 

And although these moments have been hard, the ones in between are ok and distracted by the Christmas season...the Advent calendar...Buddy the nothing to do with Santa Elf....the parties....the wrapping of gifts....the EVERYDAY FUN MAILBOX full of Christmas cards...and so on....

Last night, he said "Mommy, we just have to be patient."  How simple and how true and how hard. 

But when it comes from the mouth of a toddler, ...its all seems like its going to be a tad bit easier.

--It doesn't hurt that he is the cutest kid in the world--

NOTE: This picture was taken outside that pizzeria the week before by Andreea Carver.

Her emails

We were at a party. We got in our car to leave and then I saw "Her" name in my Inbox.  Emails from "Her" are always either exciting or hard to read.

This particular email from "Her" was so exciting I had to jump out of the car and run back in the house to tell a friend!  This email said, "You have been chosen and a Birthmother would like to meet with you and only you!!!"

So we met. We loved her and she loved us.

Then time past...and more time past....

An email from "Her" was in my inbox again saying that the Birthmother "told her family about her pregnancy and her adoption plan" and was now "stressed and uncertain" about her decision.

Our hearts sank.  From what she told us about her family, I knew they would step in and help her raise her baby.

Then time past...and more time past...and more time...

Then another email from "Her" that said the Birthmother has decided to parent her baby.  We wish her the best.

Our disappointment set in.  It's very close to the same feeling of miscarrying a baby.  An ache.

We KNOW God has plan.  He is writing our story.  We will be patient.

Adoption is a calling....where He guides; He provides.

A little sting...

Remember when you played "duck duck goose" as a kid?  Wasn't it so thrilling when you got chosen? You got to run around and try to tag the other person without tackling them.  It was so much fun!

Being chosen.  It's a good feeling to be chosen.  A boost of confidence. A humble task.

But there are times in our lives when we are not chosen. For a job. For the Yard of the Month.  For a guest list.  For the best recipe or Mom or crafty endeavor you spent hours on.  For an answered prayer.  For a child.

This is where we are.

Our book has been looked at two times and we are not chosen.  (Deep breath)  We hope our book will be looked at 2 more times in the next few months.

Not giving up hope. or prayers. or faith.   We KNOW God is in control but its stings a little.

Lookin' season

Have you ever noticed that your friends get married at the same time?  Or engaged? or pregnant?  Somehow there are 'seasons' for these sorts of things.

As an IVF patient, our timing was based on an appointment at the dr's office.  There was no season for IVF.  Although now that our precious son has many friends, its amazing how many of them have birthdays about the same time as his.  So maybe we were right 'in season' and didn't even know it. 

But did you realize that there is an Adoption season?  Well at least at our Agency there is.  It seems that September thru March are busy in the adoption world.   I'm sure this is not the case everywhere but it might be.  

So, since our photo book,  has been available since March of this year, it has only been looked at once.   This photo book is how we are chosen for our child.  We spent months making our book to show and tell the story of our family.  

So lookin' season is upon us!  

If you have ever wondered about the Birthmother, Susan's story may help you see her in a new light and give you direction as your pray for those mentioned above.

http://flsadoption.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-journey-of-birthmom-susans-story.html

We ask that you pray for the birth mothers as they made heart wrenching decisions.  

We ask that you pray for the case workers that counsel them through their decisions without bias.

We ask that you pray for us as we wait, with anticipation of God's child for our family.

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. -Col 3:2-3

The Waiting Room

I've been thinking a lot about our 'Waiting Room' this week.  I don't mean a physical waiting room but a mental and spiritual one.  We seem to be waiting a lot lately.  Before God put us in this particular waiting room, He has put us in others that seemed heavier and blanker and stale.  But this one isn't that way.  It's a more encouraging room.  One that I wouldn't mind hanging a picture or two in.  One that doesn't have an awkward silence.  One where you are free to move about and not just be still.

This one is different.

Somedays this Waiting Room is so evident in my day.  Its like I'm sitting in a 50 year old, hard back chair.  I'm squirmy, uncomfortable and anxious. I check a few times an hour just to see if we have been summoned to leave the waiting room; to be free to get up, only for a moment.  But nothing.  Those days may be quiet but they are not silent.  The Lord has been so sweet to remain vocal in our Waiting Room.  All His goodness and mercy are in this room, completely available and new each day.  And when it is so obvious that we are in that room, it's still a room that I wouldn't mind having a cup of coffee in....well, maybe in a different chair.

This one is different.

Somedays this Waiting Room is not evident in my day.  My portion and my cup overflow and I don't even notice the wait.  I know its there but its like the lingering smell of cut grass.   Evident but not visible.  There is more stillness in my day, more comfy seats to relax in, more peace of mind in my wait.  My mind is focused and nothing about the room distracts me.

The difference is...

Well, I can't put it into one word. But I do know it has more to do with 'well done' instead of 'well said'.  I could say its prayer; but I prayed in the other waiting room.  I could say its faith; but I had faith in the other waiting room.  I could say its others; but I had others in the other waiting room.  I could say it's God's Word...well, maybe I will say it's God's Word but not the knowledge of, the hearing of, the speaking of but the DOING OF.

The difference is the doing of God's Word.  The hupakouo.  To not just stop at listening but the hupakouo.  The obeying.   The deeper action than just 'I want to be like that."  The action of allowing the Holy Spirit to be.  Less (of me) is more (of Him).

What a difference the hupakouo makes.  In my life.  In my wait.   In my view from the wait.  My hupakouo matters most to the One who put me in the Waiting Room.

And when we are taken out of this Waiting Room, I hope there is evidence of my hupakouo  and that it remains.